quietmounds | (no subject)

It's much too much.

[ leaning closer, to press lips against his neck ]

I told you - I'm a wretched sort of person who thrives on cruelty, right? This is all like an unpleasant soak of cold water, even if it is kind. I can't live like that, Master.

[ tips his head for that, though he frowns. ]

So -- you are more used to him, his ways. He is cruel.

I wanted it that way.

[ biting down on his neck, gentle nips ]

[ groans, soft, not discouraging, but; ]

Always -- ? From the very start?

. . . That's right.

[ running his fingers against his back ]

From the very start, I accepted it. I encouraged it, I wanted it - from the very start, I have always been despicable. So - your pity is wasted on me.

I do not think you are despicable. But... You are clearly unwell.

Well, I suppose this is my own fault for not introducing myself properly. That is the other thing - I didn't really have to do that with him, but that is because he already knew everything about me.

[ murmuring, continuing to stroke his back ]

Let's start with a history lesson, then. Before you, Master, I was responsible for the deaths of forty thousand people. Through my own decisions and means alone, forty thousand lives were eliminated from the face of this earth. Do you still not find me to be despicable?

[ there's a beat but he speaks calmly, quietly, not allowing himself to give into emotion here. ]

Were you in war? Leading an army? I could imagine any number of reasons those deaths may have occurred without you being a despicable sort.

That's right. I led an army knowingly into a battle that would kill them all, intentionally.

It must have been for some purpose.

What does it matter, if in the end everyone was killed? Not only the army - the army itself was not much more than twenty thousand people - but even the women, the children, those who believed in me were all killed, too.

... A mistake, certainly, but that does not make you impossible to forgive. It does not mean you are a monster.

. . . Even so, were you in my position, could you still say the same?

No. I could never forgive myself. But you know what sort of person I am.

Do you think anyone could forgive themself for that, really?

No, perhaps not. But it does not make you a monster.

Perhaps that is true.

[ kissing against his neck again, up to his ear ]

But, I would become a monster for them. For their sake, I would - for their sake, I have.

[ strokes his sides slowly, exhaling.]

Could the same not be said of me? Do you believe I am a monster?

[ just

laughs a little then, leaning on him so that he'll fall against the bed ]

Not this you, no - perhaps that's the problem, then. Perhaps I'm just much more comfortable with monsters.

[ again not super promising to hear buddy. he falls alongside him with an exhale, arms wrapped around him. ]

It seems like that may be the case. Was there no one else you had the company of for all those years....?

[ I mean maybe he doesn't care anymore about sounding super reassuring!! Maybe he's dying. ]

Ah, well, I've been the company of others - quite a bit, really.

[ friend. ]

You've had their company in what sense?

[ stroking his neck, murmuring softly ]

Any way they liked.

[ the muscles in his neck tense up as he frowns. ]

That hardly counts.

[ oh that's nice

honestly just being this close is nice. if only he could stop being in unpleasant conversations

with a soft sigh words breathy ]

Doesn't it? Then I suppose not.