quietmounds | (no subject)

[drops it in his hand]

Well, I don't know if this stuff doesn't have some sort of effect since this place is like that.

[drops it into the pocket of his robe and heads into the kitchen for glasses.]

Yeah? What's the wine here done to you?

I don't tend to drink wine.

[vague whatever gesture]

The whiskey, then.

Just get me drunk, but I don't underestimate anything in this place at this point.

Muh, well, it's not a bad point. As long as it doesn't switch us back again, I'll risk it.

[glasses and just taking them all back to the couch because fuck if i'm not flopping immediately]

[gives Chuuya the wine bottle and stuffing his hands in his pockets.]

That's one thing we can definitely agree on.

[sits, then curls into a corner of the couch. Taps the cork on the wine so that it pops out and sets it aside and starts filling both glasses to the halfway mark]

So. I think thanks to all of the bloodloss you were trying to say something about being wrong?

[yeah, and now that he has the right brain, that seems like the most stupid thing he could possibly explain when they're in their proper bodies but maybe he's overthinking it? but on the other hand, it's Chuuya. and there's alcohol. and also did almost self-destruct in Chuuya's body.

everything's terrible and he just kind of wants to flip a table and jump out the window?

instead he just... sighs. like he fully expects he should die at any moment like he deserves or something.]

I understand that I shouldn't compare others with Odasaku. He figured out a possible solution for things, but it doesn't negate the fact that others have tried with what they understand of the situation.

[there. that sounds not completely terrible, right?]

[sort of squints, in that, i have no idea what you just said sort of way, and then hands Dazai his glass and sets the remainder of the wine next to him.

He doesn't seem mad at least so it's a start.]

'Possible solution for things' meaning 'how to get along with you'?

[nnnggghh, taking the glass.]

Meaning "understanding what drives me to suicide most of the time".

... it's something you probably won't get because of your loyalty to the Port Mafia, but it's not as though you don't try in your own way.

[there. he said it.

he's drinking all of this glass right now.]

And since a lot of my behavior is tied into that whole thing...

[sort of involves "how to get along", sure.]

Obviously a miserable person treats the people around him miserably, even an idiot knows that.

[holds his wine close to his chest though he's a little concerned about getting mad and breaking the glass, like that's never happened before.]

So what is it that I 'probably won't get'?

I don't expect sympathy or anything like that. All of what you said before and even now are true. I'm a miserable person who treats people miserably and deserve what I get for that. There's nothing incorrect about that. This is all pure selfishness on my part. Suicide also tends to be selfish like that.

What you don't seem to get is that these are just symptoms of the problem that is my being in a place I don't belong.

There's no point in things like self-betterment in an environment where your worst is your best, you know?

...what do you mean you "don't belong" in Port Mafia?

[It's hard to NOT sound disbelieving, even though he knows that just paints him as the idiot Dazai always treats him as.

But it doesn't really compute, just the same.]

It's obvious you hate it, but...

I'm saying the Port Mafia is a dead end for me.

[literally.]

... you likely had Kyouka-chan in the ranks at some point, right? Kyouka-chan was in despair enough to long for death for having killed thirty-five people. To get her to listen to me at all, I had to say "so what?" It's just thirty-five people.

She was with the mafia for six months. She already wanted to die. She's barely fourteen.

[that's fucked up, Chuuya.]

My situation's different, but not so different that I can't understand her perspective. Can you?

[Sort of, simmers in disgruntlement, and stares down into his wine.]

Kyouka wasn't around long enough to kill that many people. The boss kicked her over to the ADA pretty early.

[the gesture of AND THERE IT IS.

both at Chuuya being disgruntled and at the whole Dazai kicking out children who don't want to kill.]

[Makes a face, sounding sort of frustrated and disbelieving]

So after all this time, you're saying you hate killing so much you'd rather die?

I did more than just kill people, right?

But no. These are still mostly symptoms.

[gonna get himself more wine because he is too sober, clearly]

The fact of the matter is I joined the mafia because I thought being around such intense situations would give me a reason not to? But instead, it did the reverse and gave me even less reason.

There's not a whole lot of point to some of the things the Port Mafia does. Maybe there was relevance at one point but... over all, it's senseless. Or maybe it's more it makes too much cold, clinical sense. It's about the bottom line or the most effective means--costly things are disposed of and that includes basic human social needs.

People are just bodies and commodities. Children are just tools to raise up into weapons. Or cannon fodder to be used to reach a foreseen end goal. Things like that.

The government is just as bad with it, in a number of ways, so that's how I ended up with the Detective Agency.

[Chuuya is only just starting his wine, but he takes several quiet sips while listening to this.]

It's not like I don't know all that, but it doesn't have to be run that way. If it bothers you that much, you could just change it.

Obviously there's still no such thing as a way to manage the underworld without killing people and defending our territory, but where I'm from certain types of people aren't found in the upper ranks anymore.

[it's that sort of smile that is definitely. very Dazai, really.]

How many were executed before it got to that point?

But that aside... objectively, it's true that I could move things in a better direction, but you're right that it wouldn't change a lot of things. The Port Mafia will never be fully recognized as a legitimate entity by the government, no matter what document they give. No matter what deeds are done. Criminal is criminal to the law. So everyone in the Port Mafia is still subject to those punishments should they be caught. Only very rare exceptions are made--like, say, an executive who has decided to get out of the mafia and reform?

But it'd be temporary, whatever progress. Because subjectively, it's not something I would survive long-term. Selfishly, I'd continue to look for a way out, even when my hands are tied. Maybe the lack of a successor would stay my hand for a time, but eventually, even that wouldn't have an effect. Because selfishly... I just wouldn't want to keep being in a place where those parts of me I've had to deny for so many years had to remain buried or unknown.

It wouldn't be about whether I've done enough or whether someone else has done enough. It would simply be "I've had enough."

[Welp.

Time to look completely miserable and I guess drink all of this wine.]

[sorry your boss is a Dazai, Chuuya.

and actually is sorry. just... how to word. these things.]

... that's not to say my way works completely. It's just... a little better for me personally. Selfishly. And--well, I guess it depends on where your priorities are.

If you're loyal to the Port Mafia, you'll keep up the immediate solution of repairing the holes in the dam even as more and more of them appear. And eventually deal with the consequences as they happen.

If you're wanting to try for something that... may or may not work... then these are things you have to be able to understand. Odasaku understood because he was in a similar position. So, as he died, he told me what he thought might help me in the long run.

So it really isn't fair of me to compare you or anyone else to that. That sort of understanding... is very difficult to replicate.

Ugh... even if you're not as suicidal you're still like this.

[Rubs his face, and focuses on the one part of all of that he knows immediately what to do about it.]

I couldn't explain it to him because--

[well, for all the reasons you can never explain anything to Dazai]

But maybe now you'll fucking listen:

Being loyal to Dazai and being loyal to Port Mafia aren't different things. We've both been sitting here agreeing that what Mori did to Odasaku wasn't acceptable, and I fucking helped him get rid of everyone else who might seriously consider that sort of stunt, but you still think all of the rest of us are the types who would use our boss up until he's dead out of 'loyalty to Port Mafia'?

[... that's a. tricky question. with a tricky answer.

mulls it over for a moment, because. he's having to put himself mentally in that situation and just.

it's not good.]

I think... most would not be aware that they are using up their boss until he's dead. They know there's a problem, but they can't see what it is and therefore can't find a solution. And of course, he wouldn't reach out because he'd believe there is no point.

I don't know exactly everything that Dazai thinks just because I've made a different choice, but... it is possible to view people as separate from their environment, you know. Saying "loyalty to the Boss is loyalty to the Port Mafia"... that's missing the entire crux of the problem. It's a willful sort of ignorance like that.